His wife and her family had a 5-day family vacation planned in July. They booked an Airbnb for everyone, including his wife, her siblings, their spouses, and her parents. He had a work trip to attend to at the same time as the vacation. However, it was only two days long, so technically, he could have gone to the last few days of the vacation.
There is a reason why he didn’t make an effort. He finds his wife’s family very rowdy. He says they yell to communicate, get drunk together often, have no respect for each other’s privacy, and ask invasive questions. He provides an example where his father-in-law asked him if he was practicing his moves for his wedding night and if he needed any advice. He didn’t appreciate the question and was appalled.
He has tried to explain to his wife before that he finds her family rowdy, but she becomes defensive and says he should accept her family for who they are. He has asked previously to skip birthdays and family reunions, but she becomes angry and says it’s rude to avoid her family. So when he found out his out-of-state work trip was the same week as the family vacation, he decided to lie to his wife and tell her it was four days instead of two. His wife agreed that there would be no point in him coming for only one day. So he didn’t go and returned and relaxed in an empty house.
The problem arose when he had some coworkers over for drinks. His wife came home from work and started chatting with them. She told them about her wonderful vacation with her family a few weeks ago, and his coworkers asked him why he didn’t join them. He told them the vacation was during the work trip. His coworkers immediately mentioned that the trip was only two days and he should have met them for the last part of the vacation.
After his coworkers left, his wife became furious about him lying and avoiding her family. She called her parents and told them what he had done. They sent him angry text messages saying they couldn’t believe he lied to his wife to avoid a vacation with them.
He is asking the online community if he was wrong for lying about the length of his work trip because he knew she wouldn’t let him skip the family vacation.
Some readers felt that everyone was wrong in this situation. They disagree with lying to his wife but believe he has a right to have some boundaries with her family.
“Don’t lie to your wife, especially when it comes to your whereabouts. That leads to the kinds of suspicions that can destroy the trust in a relationship. (Only exception is going gift shopping for her). Next time though, instead of asking for permission to skip the family get-together, act like an adult and make your own decision. I’ll hang out with your family for two days, and then I’m leaving.” or “Yes, we can go there, but we’re getting our own hotel room, and I will not be spending every hour with them.
“You don’t need your wife’s permission to skip a family gathering. You’re allowed to have that boundary. Your in-laws are allowed to be offended by said boundary too! And you still don’t have to go! But ya can’t lie to your wife.”
Other readers believe he has tried to set boundaries already, but his wife won’t accept them. So they don’t really blame him for lying.
“I don’t really disagree, but if people have shown they won’t respect your boundary (and it sounds like that with OP’s wife dismissing his uncomfortableness with her family), sometimes that leads people to do what they have to do to avoid conflict in the future.”
“Judging from her response, lying was the only way to go. She would have hounded him or got the parents involved. He just blew it and didn’t let his coworkers in on it.”
Some readers dislike that his wife immediately ran and told her parents what he had done.
I hate the type of person who instantly runs to tell a third party about their relationship issues while knowing all the well that the third party will blow it even more out of proportion and cause more drama. It’s like OP’s wife has chosen to always side with her parents and make her husband “the enemy” without thinking about how it affects their relationship. No wonder OP felt that he had to hide this from her. OP shouldn’t have lied, but I get why he did it. “
What do you think? Was he justified lying to his wife, or should he have told the truth? Based on her behavior, would she have accepted him not wanting to come on the family vacation? Should he try harder to set boundaries with her?
This post came from the following thread.
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