The original poster (OP) and his wife share three children, ages 12, 10 and 8. But they aren’t on the same page with parenting and its starting to take a toll.
His Wife is Overwhelmed
OP says his wife is in a constant state of overwhelm. She is very easily irritated and constantly complaining about how it’s all too much.
He Says He Tries to Help But It’s Never Enough
OP says he is happy to help and do his fair share for the kids and household. But OP says his wife never thinks he does enough and it’s because her standards are “too damn high.”
She Wakes Up Early Every Morning
OP says his wife insists that one of them be up at 6:45am every morning to make sure the kids are ready and get on the bus at 7:45am.
He Thinks the Kids Should Be Independent
OP thinks the kids are old enough to get ready for school independently. He doesn’t believe a parent needs to be up to help them get dressed and pour themselves cereal and milk.
She Wants Them to Have a Better Breakfast
His wife doesn’t think cereal is good enough and wants the kids to have something more substantial.
The Older Kids Need Assistance
The 12 and 10 years olds have ADHD so his wife believes they would struggle in the morning without a parent assisting them.
She Wants to Say Goodbye
He says his wife also wants to see them off in the morning and kiss them goodbye for the day.
He Doesn’t Get Up
OP admits that he never gets up in the morning to help the kids, its always his wife. His wife says OP never gives her a morning off but he says all she has to do is allow the kids to get ready themselves.
She’s Strict About Screen Time
OP says his wife is super strict about screen time during the week and is exhausted and snappy from arguing with the kids to shut screens down after their 2 hour a day limit.
He Doesn’t Support Her
His wife is upset that he doesn’t support her screen time limit and help her enforce it. Instead, he thinks as long as their homework is done, they should be able to stay on screens until bedtime.
She Says They Need to Play Outside
His wife believes it isn’t healthy for them to have excessive screen time and that the kids should play outside with games and toys, read books or just entertain themselves in other ways.
He Thinks the Limit is Rigid
OP says he agrees the kids should enjoy other things but doesn’t understand why they have to have such a rigid limit.
She Likes to Take Them Out on Weekends
His wife likes to take the kids out on weekends to places like zoos, museums etc.
She Complains
But OP says she complains about planning for the outing and how grouchy the youngest child gets by the end of their trip.
He Says to Stay Home
OP’s solution is to “just chill at home and voila, you’ve cut the work!”
He Claims to Be a Good Parent
OP claims he is an active and engaged parent. He says he isn’t trying to get out of the work but doesn’t think he should help dig his wife out of her “own self-created holes.” He says she creates the stress for herself and then turns to him to alleviate it which he believes is unfair. He is asking the community if he is wrong for telling her to do less instead of stepping up and helping out more.
The Readers Respond
The consensus among all those who commented is that OP’s wife is being an excellent parent and her standards aren’t too high. They are the standards of an actual “engaged and active” parents unlike himself.
“YTA. Your wife’s standards are just…being a decent parent, and you are not doing your ‘fair share’ if you aren’t helping with these things you consider ‘unnecessary’. An 8 year old and a ten year old with ADHD are not ready to totally get themselves ready in the morning, and you’d know that if you didn’t sleep through the morning routine every day. Two hours of screen time a day is a totally reasonable boundary. And family time and enriching activities are also important. Maybe those can be cut down slightly, but ‘just chill at home’ all the time isn’t the answer either. Stop being lazy and become an actually engaged parent like your wife is.”
Another reader had a harsh response “YTA, OP. Be a better parent and support your wife. She’s invested and trying really hard with your kids.”
How is He Being an Engaged and Active Parent?
All the readers believe that OP is dumping the mental load on his wife and yet acting like he is a superstar engaged and active parent.
“Seriously, he thinks sitting on the couch and watching screens is being an engaged and active parent. Like that’s not even the bare minimum.”
Many also understood the struggle with ADHD and the needs to provide assistance to the kids.
“I have a 12 year old with ADHD & if I didn’t help him get ready, he wouldn’t. It’s extremely challenging but not his fault.”
“ADHD or not, what’s point in having children if you have no interest in doing anything other than the bare minimum to keep them alive?”
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