Her boyfriend is eight years older than her, and they have been together for a year. They decided to move in together after dating for eight months. She begins her story by saying this is the most ridiculous argument she has ever had with a grown man. The argument they had revolves around vegetables.
She says one of the first things she noticed about her boyfriend is that he rarely ate vegetables. He sometimes ate them if they came with his meal in a restaurant, but he never ate them when she cooked for him. She thought perhaps he disliked her cooking, but he said he loved the food she made. On nights she doesn’t cook, he eats frozen food, minus the vegetables. He experiences health problems and has vitamin deficiencies which he chalks up to poor genes. She realized it was his eating habits and lack of vegetables, not his genetic makeup.
Six months ago, she started hiding vegetables in her cooking. She often makes a pasta dish and simply blends the vegetables and adds it to the sauce. Her boyfriend is clueless about the addition of vegetables to any meal. Since she does all of the cooking, she finds ways to incorporate the blended vegetables regularly. He told her he’s been feeling much better lately and had his doctor reduce the dosage of some of his medications. He also hasn’t had his multivitamin in weeks. She didn’t mention anything because she was happy he was feeling better and didn’t mind hiding the vegetables.
Yesterday she was making the pasta dish when the blender died mid-blend. She had to serve the vegetables while they were still chunky. Her boyfriend refused to eat them, but when he tasted the sauce, he noticed it tasted the same as usual, with the vegetables in it. So she confessed that she had been hiding them for months. But his reaction wasn’t of appreciation. Instead, he screamed and cursed at her. When she pointed out that his health had improved, he yelled that his health was none of her business and that she was controlling and judgemental and stormed out of the apartment.
He spent the night at his sister’s place. His sister messaged her later and said he was fine, but she agreed with her brother. She was upset and messaged a friend who agreed that it’s ridiculous that he doesn’t eat vegetables but still thinks she was wrong.
Now she is reaching out to the online community to ask if she was wrong to try to improve her boyfriend’s diet.
Overall, the community is divided on this issue. But the most highly voted response supports her position.
“NTA. This is a grown man 8 years older than you. If he has a problem with your cooking, let him make his own food. He’s already coddled by his sister and doesn’t/shouldn’t need to be by you.”
“Sorry, but he should rightfully go on the reject pile for OP (original poster) and every other woman. A man who cannot be an adult for himself and eat things that do him good is a self-sabotaging and HER-SABOTAGING jerk unfit for partnership. I don’t know why some people act like self-harm is some sort of virtue. It is not. It is stupidity and stubbornness in all of its glory, and this was but one symptom of a much bigger problem. He is unable to adapt and evolve as a human. He is unable to adult himself and learn new things. He is unable to take responsibility for his own health or his own cooking. He ate junk and thought that is somehow as it should be. Anyone dating such a person should save themselves years of heartbreak and move on.”
“And given that he apparently didn’t mind the veggies when he didn’t notice them, it’s pretty clear that it’s not even taste or texture he has a problem with. If it was, he could just say, “oh yeah? Well, it tasted fine, so please keep blending veggies for me”. But he insists on not eating them at all for no apparent reason.”
However, many readers felt it was wrong of her to hide what she was doing and feed him vegetables without his consent.
“Listen. Lies and deception are no way to build a healthy relationship. You know that, he knows that, society in general knows that. So your part in this makes you the AH. “
“Tricking someone into eating something that they aren’t aware of is a pretty serious breach of trust.”
“I don’t think people are ever in the right if they’re sneaking stuff into adult’s food. Even if it’s healthy and good for them, you knew he didn’t want to eat them, but you just couldn’t respect that. It’s serious boundary-pushing.”
“You’re 30 and sneaking around lying instead of just having a damn conversation or respecting your bf’s preferences? As ridiculous as you feel they are, he has a right to them.”
It’s important to note that people who thought she was right and wrong felt she needed to reevaluate the relationship.
“Leave him. You deserve better than him, and he and his sister deserve the health problems that he will end up with.”
“Why are you mothering him? Let him cook disgusting food for himself.”
“Consider what drove you to this behavior because it doesn’t sound like this would be a healthy relationship even without the lying and food drama. This is what I’m getting: your much older partner is refusing to take care of himself in a way that keeps him healthy (seriously, not even supplements??), and in response, you turned into his mother. How does this affect other aspects of your relationship? Is this behavior from him attractive to you? Can you see yourself building a family together with this guy?”
What do you think? Was she wrong to hide vegetables in his food without informing him? Was his reaction justified? Should she apologize and continue the relationship or consider leaving him?
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