It’s usually bittersweet when the firstborn becomes independent and moves out of the house. Many children from loving families may feel like their parents have their back though if they are ever in a tough spot. But for some parents, tough love takes over, and once kids leave the nest, they say you have to keep flying.
The Backstory
The mother is the original poster (OP). She and her husband have three children, ages 25, 16, and 13. The oldest daughter moved out three years ago when she was 22 and went to live with her boyfriend, whom she had dated for four years before moving in together. OP and her dad supported her decision because they felt she was an adult and was working full-time.
The daughter and her boyfriend have paid the rent and survived for three years. However, the average rent cost has doubled in their area since then. Their landlord raised the rent by 40% in the span of three months, leaving them unable to afford to pay. They also don’t have any savings, so they can’t afford to move elsewhere and pay the first and last month’s security deposit.
The young couple’s first plan was to move in with his family for six months and save until they found another place. But his parents wouldn’t take in OP’s daughter. As a workaround, the couple decided to live with their families separately for six months, save up and move back together once they found a place they could afford.
Her Parents Don’t Want Her Back
OP and her husband feel it’s inappropriate for the daughter to rely on their support at her age. They think she is an adult and should learn to care for herself. OP’s daughter offered to pay them rent while living with them, but the parents are demanding she pays average market rates plus her share of the utilities. But the parents’ know if she paid that much then she would have no savings and no way of moving back out with her boyfriend.
Now while her boyfriend is back home with his family, she is sharing a two-bedroom apartment with six other people. She finds some of her roommates are ‘sketchy’ and feels uncomfortable living there.
Will it Affect Their Relationship?
OP says the daughter hardly calls anymore and is worried their decision has impacted their relationship. The readers are certainly not impressed and are shocked that OP is questioning if it will harm her relationship with her daughter. Here’s what they have to say.
“Seriously? Your daughter is an adult, but she’s still your daughter? She’s not relying on handouts. She’s offered to pay rent. You’re really gonna charge her the market average to live at home? She even gave you a timeline. I think you’re being unreasonable. You completely acknowledge that she was screwed over, but yet you’re willing to let her struggle when you presumably have the space?”
“The part that gets me is where she says that she doesn’t think it’s appropriate for her daughter to move home cause she is an adult. Yet when she moved out 3 whole years ago she was 22, not a whole lot of difference to 25.”
“I’m worried this may have impacted our relationship.” How laughable when she already has proof that it definitely has impacted their relationship. I’m surprised her daughter calls at all.”
“It feels like the daughter has been abandoned by everyone. Her own family won’t take her in. Her boyfriend has moved back in with his family who won’t take her in, instead of staying with her where maybe they’d have a better solution or at least he’s there to help protect her. I don’t know. I really feel for this kid. And yeah… To me she’s still a pretty young person who I’d feel that kind of protectiveness over to call her a kid at her age compared to me and I bet I’m younger than her parents.”
Many people are surprised that OP doesn’t understand the state of the economy despite admitting that rent costs of skyrocketed in her area.
“We’re also coming off the cusp of a once in a century pandemic, cost of living and inflation is the highest it’s ever been, and you still can’t understand why your “adult” daughter can’t afford it? I’m 26 and let me just remind you of something. People my age graduated 2018-2019. We were in our positions for less than a year when COVID hit. Our age group were the first ones let go. I was the only one out of all my friends to have a job- every.single.one was fired or laid off. That’s 2-3 years of work and life experience she missed out on. How about looking at the world around you and showing your daughter some compassion?”
“But her boomer parent could do it so why can’t she. Inflation that’s why and stagnant wages. The world is not the same as when you grew up op. Wake up and smell the desperation in the air.”
“Exactly, it would be different if her daughter was irresponsible with money and spent her rent on other things and that was why she was losing her home. The landlords raised the rent by a hell of a lot and I bet their wages didn’t change. There’s a difference between allowing your child to be an adult, learn financial responsibility and kicking them when they’re down. Op doesn’t seem to know this.”
OP’s decision to charge her market rent won’t help her daughter move out with any savings in the deadline she proposed. Why would she rather take money from her and let her live in an uncomfortable and possible unsafe environment?
“The problem is OP actually acknowledged all of that and how much the rents have gone up and how if they charged her equivalent rent and utilities if she was to move in how she wouldn’t be able to save up for an apartment and they STILL won’t let her come home for a few months.”
“You’re perfectly happy with putting your daughter in a dangerous situation because you don’t want to let her move back for 6 months. Something you could literally set a deadline on if you really wanted her to be back in her own place within a certain time period. As of right now, you’re going to be lucky if you keep hearing from her after being cool with her living where she is. Grade A parenting there/s.”
“OP clearly realizes that cost of living is out of control right now. This has nothing to do with her daughter not being responsible! I understand it’s not a long term solution but it sounds like the daughter had a plan to move back out fairly quickly. Hell I moved back in with my parents when we were searching for a house to buy because our landlords decided to move back into the condo we were renting at the time. If my parents had refused we would have had to find somewhere to live for 3 months while we were house hunting. But because they allowed us to move in, we were able to save up some money before becoming home owners. That’s what good parents do!”
Are OP and her husband’s tough love stance the right approach, or should they help her? Should adult kids still depend on their parents in their time of need or figure things out independently, no matter their situation?
This article was produced by This Mom is On Fire.
The post and comments were taken from Reddit.
Image credit: Monkey Business Images via canva.com